What should I do?

Sarah Kay · 01-08-2009, 10:04 AM

Okay, perhaps this is not a teen problem anymore, but since I'm 18, and still a teen, I would like to share my story with you.

I live with my parents and my younger sister. My father is a bad, egocentric person, a gambling addict and a lousy father. I have no relationship with him, we never talk, he even doesn't say hello to me. Okay, that's fine I'm used to it, and I don't need a father at all.
My mother has a similar relationship with him, as I have. In 19 years of their marriage he brought her nothing but trouble. Debts, debts and more debts. Now, she works, pays all of our bills, brings food to our table. He does nothing, he sleeps, or is somewhere doing God knows what (probably gambling, doing somethin illegal and losing all of the money he has).
His side of the family (his parents) help my mother financially a lot, but still love their son and support him, and of course give him money, the money he spents on gambling, drinking and who knows what.
I know, and my mother knows that if she divorces, they will not help us anymore, and my mother's salary isn't enough to raise two kids. And the apartment we live in is (although) my mother bought it, my grandma's (father's mother). So, we will basically be left out on the street.

My mother and I found a solution. Since I will be graduating from high school in June, I can get a job in October. Well, not actually a job, here in my country nurses are educated in vocational high schools, but can continue their education in nursing college, or some other college. So, I will gradute from nursing school in a few months, and I can work as an intern in a hospital for a year and get a decent salary for that. After that I can find a job and work as a nurse. So, we thought if I work and she works, she can get a divorce and the three of us can live alone.
But, here's the thing, I'm an A student and I always wanted to go to college. And if I decide to go to college, we're looking at five more years of living with my father, because me and mom can't afford the college, and we would need father's parents help. If i get some kind of scholarship, the problem remains the same, my mom can't get a divorce.
I think it would be very selfish if I decide to go to college, and I would really want to get away from the low life scum like my father, and to have a decent life with my mom and sister. But still, I wonder, will I be sorry later that I didn't go to college? :confused:

p.s. there's no chance I can work and go to college (European education system has a great thing called Bologna process)

*excuse my english, I'm a better reader and listener than a talker.

Karl · 01-08-2009, 11:30 AM

excuse your english? i thought it was perfect.. i actually didnt realise you're croatian

It seems that you've got yourself stuck into a difficult hole with your father, and i'm sorry to hear about that. My relationship with my father is also non-existent and i haven't even seen him for over two years now.

I would recommend trying to sign your father up to some sort of counselling class, because that seems to be what has caused it all. It might cost a fair bit of money (not exactly sure how much) but this would bring an end to the debts that he brings to your family.

Although, I'm not sure if he'll be willing to do this, he would benefit from this and your family will be back to normal (hopefully). I'm sorry I can't give good advice because I've never experienced a gambling-related problem with my family personally but I hope I can help, and your mother gets back the man she fell in love with.

can anybody else help me with this?

M781 · 01-08-2009, 11:39 AM

her first idea is horrible
she can graduate from school then she can just work as a nurse but that's not good for
a young 18 years old girl
so maybe your mother and you should talk to your father's parents and ....
or maybe you should talk to your father directly ..but i assume that will be difficult
your father ....? he doesn't work , ?
maybe you and your mother can convaince your grandparents to stop giving him money and make him go out to work ...
if i find an other solutions ..i promise i'll talk to you directly

Karl · 01-08-2009, 11:44 AM

If they cut off his cash income he may resort to stealing money or selling items to make money. It will be very hard for an addict to give something up that easily.

I wish it would be that easy though, good luck sarah :)

M781 · 01-08-2009, 11:49 AM

don't just say good luck we should try more to help her since she's
a member of this forum
but anyway you're right maybe he'll steal things ....so....
what about if he's very attached to his parents and he'll do what thet'll say to him
( GO TO WORK !!!)

Karl · 01-08-2009, 11:56 AM

sorry, the good luck wasn't supposed to mean i was giving up...
i'm doing some research about this

Gambling Addiction and Problem Gambling: Signs, Help, and Treatment

This is an interesting read. It explains the different types of gamblers and why they gamble, along with symptoms and advice and help. It also explains encouraging ways to alter the way your father thinks towards gambling.

I hope you find this useful.

deasy · 01-08-2009, 12:24 PM

Is it possible for you to work now and then go to college later? Because it seems that you really want to get away from your dad and the only way you stated is by you getting a job. And do you want to be a nurse as a career?

Sarah Kay · 01-08-2009, 05:41 PM

Thank you all.

kaaarl2121, your advice is great and it would be really helpful in some other situation. Since he doesn't think he has a problem, and considers all of us stupid, I don't think that there's anything that could change him. My mother doesn't want the man she fell in love with after all the thing he did to her. He's a liar ready to cheat anyone, including his wife and his parents. Luckily, my mom doesn't believe him, but his parents always will, like many other people.
He doesn't work.
I don't know how to explain this, because in countries you live in, there's no system like that. There was a war in Croatia, and he was kind of a soldier (he did nothing, never saw what the war looks like actually), so he is retired now cause he was a volunteer (not). His retirement is basically non existen, he spends it on himself, and the rest of it are distraints.
You concluded very well, he wouldn't steal, he would get into something illegal, basically the same. It's not all about gambling, he just likes to have money, but has a tendency to spend it all by himself, totally useless.

M781, my mom tried to talk to his parents, but they're on his side, and always be. Anyway, thank you a lot for your advices.

deasy, it is possible, but since there's a school reform starting in 2010., my high school diploma is not enough to go to college that year, only this year. I would have to pass final exams next year, that are totally different than this finals. Okay, I would have to study, but it's still the same, if I go to college next year, my mom would be the only one earning money, and that wouldn't be enough. Nursing, actually isn't the career I hoped for, but I can't say I'm not good at it.

Perhaps the best thing would be to go to college in a few years, but most of the people think that if you don't go to college after you graduate from high school, you never will. :S

DaviD · 01-08-2009, 08:49 PM

you gotta do what u gotta do some times
i say if your number 1 priority is to get away from your so-called dad?
then become a nurse to support your mom and sister
and maybe in a couple years
you can go to college part time and still get the education you want

ebony15 · 01-09-2009, 03:18 AM

well.. i lived all my with no Dad..
and a few years without my mom..
Do you guys think~ my mom cares for us? She left us because she married this guy named Ed...and later on she remarried again and lived in my old hometown..and ive been living with my grandmother basically all my life..
and it's just this year~2008-2009 that she actually showed up and took me with her and started a new life...
I'm graduating in highschool...im 15 ...
and im plannin to leave for the U.S with my grandmother in April..
sometimes i find my mom a total liar...i really dont know about her background
..
when she tells me things, i dont know if i should believe..
my grandma by the way is american..
my mom worked for her during her teens..
and my grandma knows her well..

So whenever i want to know the truth about everything.. i always have to get it from my grandma..
since my mom always tells a different story... aaak! im confused..
sometimes it really stresses me out..
i dont like living with my mom..
i admit it..
but a year wont hurt.. right???

nguyen89 · 01-09-2009, 09:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ebony15

well.. i lived all my with no Dad..
and a few years without my mom..
Do you guys think~ my mom cares for us? She left us because she married this guy named Ed...and later on she remarried again and lived in my old hometown..and ive been living with my grandmother basically all my life..
and it's just this year~2008-2009 that she actually showed up and took me with her and started a new life...
I'm graduating in highschool...im 15 ...
and im plannin to leave for the U.S with my grandmother in April..
sometimes i find my mom a total liar...i really dont know about her background
..
when she tells me things, i dont know if i should believe..
my grandma by the way is american..
my mom worked for her during her teens..
and my grandma knows her well..

So whenever i want to know the truth about everything.. i always have to get it from my grandma..
since my mom always tells a different story... aaak! im confused..
sometimes it really stresses me out..
i dont like living with my mom..
i admit it..
but a year wont hurt.. right???

you should make a different thread
:)

aussie_mate · 01-13-2009, 06:40 AM

its interesting that you still call him your father, most of the girls i know the are 'abused' or hurt by there father call him by his first name...because he isn't a parental figure

Sarah Kay · 01-14-2009, 12:40 AM

I wasn't comfortable with revealing his first name. In a matter of fact, I do call him by his first name irl.

Dr.Banana · 01-19-2009, 03:26 AM

your english is wooooooooow :)

i dont have any solution for you, i know what to do

Karl · 01-19-2009, 10:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dr.Banana

your english is wooooooooow :)

i dont have any solution for you, i know what to do

not a very good doctor then, are you?