Tell me the truth. Whatcha think?

TheLittleHippy. · 04-19-2009, 02:15 PM

Original writing
By Bryony Clapperton
I pressed my lips together lightly; I inhaled a cool deep breath then exhaled slightly faster. It was a loud breath, but a half hearted: a-not-quite-loud-enough-to-be-a-sigh breath. I turned my head to the right letting my hair fall loosely off my shoulder. I blinked. I hesitated before reopening my eyes almost hoping things would be different when I looked up. I twisted my neck to the other side of me, the left. I felt the weight of my messy hair switch swiftly from one side to the other. I took another breath a deeper one, a louder one, a sigh. Then I felt it: the disturbing yet familiarly comforting feeling of alone. It overwhelmed me how normal this felt, alone wasn?t too bad. Worse things have happened right?

1 week earlier.

I could tell by the reluctant strain on his vocal chords that he knew I was right. As he hesitated I grimaced. For a long uneven second I could almost feel his pain I did not enjoy this. I wasn?t strong enough for this ? not one part of me was ? every last bone in my fragile frame would shatter at the word. I knew it and felt what was ahead, the lingering tension that lay heavy on top of me indicated all was not as well as it was when I woke up breathless this morning. So much had changed but yet the picture remained the same. The same nightmare that had now became a brutal reality. I mused. At how insignificant my worries from this morning had really been compared to this, they had been nothing, nothing at all.

He was leaving me. There was not one individual doubt about it. I?d seen this coming so many times but I never let myself ponder long enough to think anything of it probably because I knew I was not capable of storing the possibility in my love struck mind. My pain threshold was pitiful and I knew thinking about a life without him would only tear a gaping hole in my heart which would be a nothing but fresh wound, waiting for a sea of salt to wash over it when the day actually came that he did leave. I felt numb no pain yet, just numbness I could feel my heart pounding in my throat as I waited for him to speak. My wait was a lost cause he didn?t speak one single word instead he raised his perfectly formed muscular arm and handed me a smooth sheet of folded paper. My hand traced the engraved dents on the outside of the paper as my mind predicted the harsh truth on the inside of the page waiting for me. This wait was not a lost cause it was a burden, a weight so many thousand times heavier than any weight imaginable now placing itself steadily on top of my weak ? getting weaker - shoulders. Could I bear this? Was I read to face the inevitable conclusion?

I stared at his intensely profound masculine beauty; I could see in his deep set eyes he could detect the hysteria in my breathing - I almost let myself get side tracked by the penetrating radiance that glared at me from his iris and pupils ? In all honesty I felt like crying but now was not the time for an uncontrollable outburst of emotion. I gasped irrationally. I stared at him but he didn?t seem the slightest fragment shocked at my utterly illogically gasp of what seemed like horror. He just stood tall, strong and god like no word in the universe could describe the quality presented in his appearance and how he seemed to flatter even the dullest of room furnishings.
I?m sure I should have bite marks all over my tongue from all the things I should have said to stop him but it seemed pointless and unproductive to even speak. I wanted to shout out to him but I had no idea what would come out if I tried the lack of knowledge in what my brain would come up with stopped the words dead on my lips I failed to press on. I knew deep down the moment I opened my mouth to say something I?d be obligated to sob and commit to sobbing for a very long time I don?t think either of us needed this and I had a strange feeling my tears would probably sting like acid. Instead I sat and I gazed. Not at him, but past him at the long emptiness the future had in store for me at the knowing every time I looked in the mirror I?d see the reason he walked away from us and said goodbye this I couldn?t deal with. This only mad me feel number the pain hadn?t hit but I knew it was coming and when it did I knew I still wouldn?t be prepared for the excruciating sting of the ripping hole that would tear through the bottom of my heart I was completely aware that the pain would not quit me over time.

"I?m doing this for you" He whispered gently and left. And so he left, that was it, he was gone, and it was over. I felt it coming, The pain that is, it was speeding towards me rapidly gaining speed at every second like a champion runner thriving on his components weaknesses only making him stronger and stronger. I could almost see it in front of me and through blurred visions I bent forward I felt like I was going to be sick not from illness but from total complete pain and a throbbing tormenting agony in my temples and the pulsing hole in the core of my heart. I could feel the life being sucked out of me. I could smell the salt of my tears on my drained lifeless face I could feel my mind shutting down I was losing grip at that instant I lost consciousness. I could hear voices I knew they were only my own but I couldn?t bear to listen to the truth in them. Reality was something I felt drawn towards avoiding it was a place I did not want to exist anymore and a nightmare I feared of rejoining with out him somewhere to forget a place I felt compelled to escape. I?d be content with slipping in to a coma I was ready to quit; I?d probably welcome death with warm arms at this precise moment in time. I would get great pleasure from death?s arrival. Most of the time I sensed hours was passing more easily than I though they could but I was too broken to care. I drifted in a faint state under the tight hold of my subconscious I knew when I regained total consciousness the only thing that would await me would be a company of pain, distress and misery. It was like I was unable to breathe without him as if I wasn?t me without him at my side physically and mentally. It seems absurd. Life would go on I knew that, I hoped that, probably not for a while and never the same as before but I suspected the world would move forward under me as I stayed frozen a in numb defeated state of my own lost reason for my being. I may as well of been dead because I was sure it would hurt less than this extreme unknown emotion that was taking over me as the agony only grew stronger and the alone closed in on me. This was my fate. This is what it had all come to I was practically dead but still breathing I only knew I was alive because my shattered heart was still working, just, with an uneven unnatural patterned recurrence of a beat. But apparently he was doing this for me?

I'm not sure this was the final copy because I edited it so much before I handed it in. It was an A at GCSE :) Let me know whatchaaa think. I posted this on another thread but decided I'd make my own.. Ummmm

I want the truth!

Fawzy X · 04-19-2009, 02:17 PM

the truth is I'm too lazy to read all of this , is there a summery?

TheLittleHippy. · 04-19-2009, 02:37 PM

Ohhhhh come on, read it. You never know you might even enjoy it!

Fawzy X · 04-19-2009, 02:54 PM

It's pretty good , But I think this girl needs to be a little more opptemistic

TheLittleHippy. · 04-19-2009, 03:02 PM

Pfttttt you say this to the most pessimistic girl ever, me.

Zevzek · 04-19-2009, 03:19 PM

I haven't really seen anything felse from you so i could be mistaken but from the text i read i think the grammar's pretty good, and your style is too, the text kinda drags you into her story, but you should try adding just a tad more mystery and suspension.

TheLittleHippy. · 04-20-2009, 05:18 AM

Hey thanks :) I've heard that a lot. I might post a few more things later on if I dont get embarrased ahhhaaa took a lot to post that. :o

kapow · 04-20-2009, 11:17 AM

That was great, you have very good writing skills and described things brilliantly, I'm surprised you didn't get an A* for it, since I got an A for the English writing exam too, and what I wrote wasn't as good as what you wrote.....you must've been really close to an A* right?

Zevzek · 04-20-2009, 11:27 AM

Don't feel embarrassed if you don't get criticism you won't be able to improve, we wouldn't want that now, would we?

Reverence · 04-20-2009, 02:45 PM

I liked it. Lots of adverbs and adjectives, very well described scenes and moments.

TheLittleHippy. · 04-20-2009, 03:29 PM

Constructive criticism is great, thanks. Ahhh thankyou everyone.
Erm well it was not in the actual exam it was a piece of orginal writing coursework and the highest grade you could get was an A.

kapow · 04-20-2009, 03:53 PM

Oh right, that's good.

nguyen89 · 04-21-2009, 09:49 AM

better than anything i could ever write
(:

TheLittleHippy. · 04-26-2009, 05:19 AM

Haha thankyou. I'll post something else later.

Kinesic · 04-27-2009, 01:59 PM

It's good.
Very descriptive.
I like it.